i am hanging on every word you say @ 5:04 p.m. on 04.02.2003

So much for having some insight on my life. My mom's birthday is on Saturday, and I wrote her this 6-7 page long letter about 2 weeks ago which I will give her then. It's not an "I love you" letter, more like a "you don't know anything about me and that makes me sad so here are some things I think you should know" letter. Maybe her birthday is not appropriate, but knowing myself if I don't give it to her then, with a purpose, I never will. And that would completely defeat my purpose and it would've made me seem like I never attempted to change things. Like all I do is whine and bitch and never DO anything. Well, here's my chance and I'm going for it.

The Used is also this Saturday, and I don't know how my mom feels about that but I will be trying to sort of make it up by having her present be breakfast in bed. I'm WAKING UP EXTRA EARLY for her so she better appreciate it.

Spring Break... hmm. What can I say? I thought it would be worse, I guess. Not super bad, after all, but there are moments I want to gouge my eyes out and feed it to the dogs. Boredom is a dangerous thing. But I've seen "Donnie Darko" about 4 1/2 times and listened to a lot of music, gone on The Palace a lot (a recent vice, for I've had this thing like 3 or 4 years now, and I stopped going on it for about a year and a half 'til recently), and of course going out with Keith, Nathan and Jessi, now that they're back from Orlando. Seems I'll be hanging out with them every single day 'til Spring Break ends, even on Saturday for The Used. Which is fine, I mean... they're cool people. Sometimes someone in particular gets on my nerves and I want to kill him but... I can't so I shut up.

Yesterday at the bowling alley I saw Tommy and his girlfriend. Ah. I thought I was over this (you did too, right?). Well apparently I'm not. Because it hurt like a motherfuckin' bitch. Everyone was sitting around a table while Luisa ate, just talking about some Drama thing, and I saw him and grew quiet. Wow. As I was driving everyone home, and then driving myself home, Jessi was high and talking about love and while I was disagreeing with EVERYTHING he said because he's an idiot, he DID say something that stuck... you know you love someone when it hurts you to think about that person, when it hurts you deeply. And so I thought back to when he walked into the bowling alley and how much it hurt and so I shut up trying to shut him up. I don't mean I agreed... I don't know if I love him or not, or ever did, whatever. Is pain really love? DAMN ALL BOYS TO HELL. I swear to God. I wish I never met him, that I never liked him... that I never felt anything for him. That that day he asked me to sign for his Junior ring never happened, because from then on is when we became friends. I WISH IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED.

the past & the future

past × note × book