i am hanging on every word you say @ 7:50 p.m. on 02.11.2003

So does it make me incredibly horrible that, with the passing of my godmother's dad (my grandfather's brother) this morning, I don't feel terribly affected by it, and even would go as far to say that, yes, it is indeed sad, but I don't want to go to this funeral tonight and see OTHERS suffer what it is I seem to be lacking? I've never been to a funeral, I've been lucky enough to escape them every time... but right now, I don't feel... whatever it is I should be feeling. Loss is common around me a bit... physical, spiritual... all that. But that feeling of sorrow is not present here and I wonder if that makes me some kind of horrible person.

My mom says I need to go tonight to fulfill my obligation with my family now that I'm 17 and not 14 or 15. Two years, not a big difference to me. And by the by... going to a funeral and, I guess in my case, pretend to be affected by this somehow for the comfort of someone else would be my role in this "family fulfillment?" Does it even bring comfort? This is so not my scene... I was so incredibly irate earlier... I don't think I would've recognized myself when my mom wouldn't argue and just flat out said I had to go... I screamed a million and one things at my locked door and completely destroyed my throat screaming into my pillow. I was so incredibly angry. Because THIS, my friends, is NOT MY PLACE. And when I move out, and live on my own, it will never be my place again.

After tonight, I know I'll never forget the day my mother made me go to a funeral, and realize that because of this and previous traumas I will never go to one again. I'm sorry if I loved you, if you were a great friend... but certain people go to these things, and I'm not one of them. The people that go to funerals are the ones that go either because they are obligated or because they feel they should anyway, and they know that in time, things will get better, hurt feelings will fade, and life will go on. They pretty much know they can cope with it and deal with it as it comes. But me... the thing with me is that I don't know how to deal, because I DON'T deal. And I don't want to think, EVER, of anyone dealing with it, or how I'm going to deal with it, or the THOUGHT of ever dealing with it. I have an avoidant personality when it comes to things of these natures and I will forever remain that way because by now, that aspect of my life is set in stone. So, screw this day, and screw my mother, for I will never forget tonight. And if this lack of sentiment makes me a horrible person, so be it. That, I'm afraid, is one of the few things you can't change about yourself.

the past & the future

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