i am hanging on every word you say @ 11:59 p.m. on 07.25.2002
Sometimes I feel like I should just give up. Throw everything away, become selfish, and just give up trying to make it through. I get so tired of dealing. That's all I ever do. And then I always wonder if anyone will actually miss me if I was gone. And I slap myself, because I know some people would, and it hurts all the same... because I don't feel like they would sometimes. And I hate how I can't be my mom's friend. How she can't be my friend. How one of the things I want most in this world apparently isn't supposed to happen. And I cry about it constantly. I hate the fact that I hate being in my house. I hate the fact that I never leave my room. I watch mother-daughter movies and I bust out crying... And it's just so unfair. Why can't my mom be my best friend? Why does she have to be one of my biggest enemies? And so I consider just giving up. But no, I'm just too much chicken shit for that. I'm all talk... I've never felt courageous in my life. I shouldn't be feeling like this. No one should ever feel like this. No one should ever hate themself so much. Why can't this all just go away? Why can't I just die young, a peaceful death.. in my sleep. That's all I want now. It's all I could wish for. And I don't care if it sounds selfish. I'm always about friends... the one thing I want for me is this. No dreams, no idea what to do, where to go, how to start, how to finish. It should all end right here. Right now. This is all I've got. I don't know why I get so angry. I mean, why does everything that comes out of my mom's mouth get twisted to get me mad? Why can't she just watch the way she says things? Today was fine. But like I once said, every time I'm happy OR things are going decently... there goes the day.
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